My Venting Vagina

Feel like I might just need to write to get it all out of my head.. 🌈

Warning this is a very real account of right now April 2023

This journey is a nightmare. One you can’t escape.. it is a part of my mind every hour. I’m over thinking about it, I’m over overthinking it.
I’m over people knowing about it, I wish we had just told people one kid was enough for us and that would be it.

But we didn’t.. I didn’t. 🌷
Today it hit me walking down the shops with Blake and his cousins that I felt full.. I felt full walking around thinking people must think these awesome little people are mine. They see a whole woman, they see a woman with all her pieces together who isnt struggling..💔
I know I shouldn’t care what people think.. but it does go through your head. No1 wants to be the girl people pitty, that people feel sorry for.. especially not me.

I am struggling. 😢
I feel like I’m broken, i feel like like I’ve been given this “diagnoses’ because it’s my fault this has all happened, it’s fated.

I used to cry everytime I saw a birth on TV or goo and gar at babies in their capsules. (Happy tears) But now I don’t, I feel nothing. I look and think that it just feels too far away, too much in the hard basket. 👼

No1 has a clue as to what’s wrong…
I remember after our egg collection I felt so relieved. “Yay now it’s not my problem to get pregnant it’s on the doctors!” And when we got 11 embryos I felt elated!! I felt ontop of the world, that all my problems had just floated away and I felt a zillion dollars. 💵

And now it’s hitting me, all those feelings pre egg collection are back and they have come back 10 fold..
It feels like the doctors have done their job and checked of their lists.. and now it’s back on me to pick the next step.. or if there is a next step..

We have x3 embryos left. I never ever wanted to do another egg collection and quite honestly I really don’t want to do it. We have qualified for public funding and are on the waitlist.. which means they will pay for x2 egg collections and all transfers until a live birth.
But I’m just not sure I can do it..

It’s been 3 years of doing this.. 3 years of my life on hold, 3 years of not putting myself first. 3 Christmas trees 🎄 🎄 🎄 that have gone up and me thinking “surely next Christmas there will be a baby, surely next Christmas it’s my turn”

I’m over it.. I’m exhausted..

BFN, 5DP5DT, ERA, IVF, BFP.. If you know these terms, we are you 😪 If not, I would give anything to be you.

INFERTILITY… it’s even hard to write. Let alone explain what this word means to me.

This is a “teaser” to the blog of our own real, personal, very tough journey (My Venting Vagina) Im doing it so for those of you that know of our story you can really come along. And for those of you who happen to be in the midst of a FB stalk, with no idea, can get an idea.

I wanted to post this when we were at the end.. when there was a “happily ever after”. So you could oogle over our rainbow baby 🌈 (another term only a few can fully appreciate) so you could comment “oh how it’s all so worth it now!” “You are so strong!”

But.. what if that never happens. What if it’s not all worth it. It’s the barrel Matt and I are staring down now. New terms for us to learn? Surrogacy, adoption, caregivers etc.

If you know us, you will know we were made to parent together (to have a whole bunch of kids on the back of the Hilux). We love kids! Probably because we are big kids ourselves.

It’s such a bitter pill to swallow.. INFERTILITY.

And ours is even more horrible as it’s unexplained secondary infertility with reoccurring failed implantation. (Which in human words means.. we have no idea what’s wrong, it’s a numbers game, good luck and thanks for 30+ thousand dollars).

I don’t mean that to sound nasty to the fertility clinics, but some days I do wonder if they are just shoving water up there and asking for money. As I don’t know.. 🤷🏻‍♀️

So much trust and faith goes into someone you don’t know. You just hope they know their shit and they dont gasp when you open your legs 😅🤦🏻‍♀️

Honestly before I became apart of this “club” I thought IVF was for people with “no working parts” and some magic happened and they got a baby. IVF = baby. 👶 It almost seemed glamerous/ on trend/ fool proof/ easy! It wasn’t for couples like us..

No one posts about the unsuccessful stories, everyone keeps going or stays silent..

So here is my/ our story from my eyes.